danellephant never forgets: little bit of heaven

i just had to post about my exciting evening...if only i was on twitter, i could just tweet about this, but since i'm not i have to blog about it.

jesse james was just on david letterman!

oh how i wish i could have been in THAT audience. if he would have also had hugh laurie, simon cowell, and john malkovich as his guests i would have really thought i had died and gone to heaven with 5 of my favorite men. but as it is i'm sitting here in a handbasket...all alone.

some quotes i find amusing

In a world full of Cheerios, be a Froot Loop!

I can't tell you if genius is hereditary, because heaven has granted me no offspring.

i hope your eco-friendly status symbol doesn't smash into a poor, innocent tree.

a good workplace safety rule is to keep employees apart if their weight differs by 11,850 pounds and the heavier one has two prior murders.

women are angels and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly. . .on broomsticks. we're flexible like that.

advice is a lot like deodorant, the people you most want to give it to are probably not going to use it anyway.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

"when you use the word 'like' in inappropriate places all the time, it makes you sound like you don't know nothin'!"

"the happiest people aren't necessarily those who have everything, but those who make the most of everything they have."

"you were meant for me. perhaps as a punishment."

"the only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you."

"if you think the problems the government creates are bad, just wait until you see their solutions."

"genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99% perspiration, which is why engineers sometimes smell really bad."

"with focus, dedication and steroids, men can achieve impossible dreams. like breaking a world record. or growing their own breasts."

"the downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious."

"quitters never win, and winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots."

"when you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the earth which will destroy all life. then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. unless it's death by meteor."

"since i can't be a good example to others, the least i can do is serve as a terrible warning."

"i can't wait for annie to get her first facelift. . .she's going to need 2 doctors." joan rivers about two-faced annie duke.

"clint black is a one man band. . .he'd give himself a hickie." -joan rivers about the annoying clint black

"no one feels as helpless as someone with a sick goldfish." -so true

"why doesn't he try to kick our ass at being a good person?" -jesse james to dennis rodman with love

“once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.” -einstein (thanks trina!)

"it may be true that the early bird gets the worm, but have you ever stopped to consider that the early worm gets eaten?"

"there are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory."

"rose-colored glasses are never made in bifocals. nobody wants to read the small print in dreams."

"intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings."

"i've always wanted to be somebody, but i see now i should have been more specific."

"the first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left."

"how old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?"

"when i was younger, i could remember anything, whether it had happened or not."

"some folks never exaggerate--they just remember big."

"if you're yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air conditioning."

"i don't want everyone to like me; i should think less of myself if some people did."

"don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."

"it's no fun doing nothing when you've got nothing to do."

"some people are a lot like slinkies. they don't really do much, but it puts a smile on your face when you see them tumble down a flight of stairs."

"tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic."

"scars are tattoos with better stories."

"i’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous."

"the trouble with life is there’s no background music."

"light travels faster than sound, that’s why some people appear bright until they speak."

"people are seldom too busy to stop and tell you how busy they are."

"the sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up."

"deep down I’m a very shallow person."

"before you insult somebody you should walk a mile in their shoes. that way when you insult them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!"

"dance, even if you have to warn others to get out of the way first."

"by the time you read this you've already read it."

more to come

danellephant never forgets

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

little bit of heaven

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some quotes i find amusing